Safe Haven

I've found safety in the presence of the Lord, the kind of safety that cannot be found anywhere else in the world. It's the kind of safety that holds me, embraces all of my flaws, brokenness, shame etc. you name it. I would never trade it for anything in this world. Safe haven is where we can bring all of our unspoken hurts, disappointments, fears and anxieties without the burden of being perfect and put together, but going to God just as we are. He cares about our emotional and mental well being as much as he cares about our spirit being. I've learnt that when he really feels furthest from me, that's actually when He is the closest by faith. He made a promise a couple of times in His word about his presence in our lives:

Hebrews 13:5 Let your manner of living be without covetousness, and be content with such things as ye have. For He hath said, “I will never leave thee, nor forsake thee”;

So right there, in the middle of the mess, he is with us. In the middle of the storm, He is right there and this is one of the most amazing truths about being a child of God.

With all that being said, I believe that God has invested wisdom everywhere in the world and one of those places is THERAPY. Honestly speaking, I never loved therapy at all. For me it represented a lack of faith. However, instead of just reciting scriptures, one needs to ask themselves: What is faith? where and when does it apply? In prayer only? At church?

Hebrews 11:1 Now faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen.

Faith applies in all areas of our lives. When you go to the doctor, you have faith for healing, when you go to school, you have faith for knowledge, so even when you go to therapy, it shows you have faith for emotional and mental wellness. So then, there is no shame in going to therapy, as long as you are going with faith.

I want to share a little bit about my journey in therapy; the process, triggers, anxiety attacks and how I have been handling them so far. First of all one needs to acknowledge how they feel, which was something I struggled with. I thought that meant I was weak and a coward. My first session with my therapist was, however about that; acknowledging how I felt. I was feeling sad, frustrated, scared, heart broken, betrayed, worthless and almost all the negative emotions on the emotions spectrum. It was so bad that I could not see any light, I could not even see God and the only way out was to die. I thought of ways to commit suicide (pills, slow poison, rat poison) you name it. The funny thing about this is that every-time I had made up my mind about killing myself, there would be someone who calls or comes to me that will say something so small yet so powerful that I would feel a little bit of hope and see a little bit of light and kind of give up on the idea.

I knew I needed help when started having sever anxiety attacks where I would suddenly tremble and collapse on the spot and it did not matter where I was (car/taxi/work). Soon after, I had a series of mental breakdowns, suicidal thoughts and total irritation with everything and everyone. All I wanted was to be alone and I think that's the trap from the enemy, to get you to be alone so he can feed you lie upon lie. The only prayer language I knew how to speak was weeping, words could not come out.

My line manager found me standing by the printer one Monday morning, asked how was I doing, and suddenly broke down. I thank God for her because she immediately got me in touch with a therapist and cancelled all my plans for the day and that's how I started therapy. One would think that therapy is a quick fix, however the reality is that some of us have been sweeping things under the carpet, pushing things that hurt us to the back because "Who cares that you are hurting" or "I do not have time for this". We have never been taught how to manage our emotions or even how to confront conflict. We think because we have moved past something, it is gone forever but once something big or catastrophic event occurs, trust me it all comes back. It is what they call a "trigger". For this reason therapy is not a quick fix but a process of confronting, unpacking, forgiving, learning and unlearning and ultimately letting go, healing and becoming whole.

One of my highlights from this process was when I learnt how to question myself, for instance, why do I struggle with low self esteem, why am I scared of making mistakes, why am I such a perfectionist, why am I scared of certain people. I was shocked when I found that everything linked to my childhood. I was raised by my mum's aunt and her partner and honestly I did not like it but I learnt to live through it. I learnt some coping mechanism to survive, I worked hard to impress them and it was just not working, because of their criticism, I learnt how to criticize myself and others. All of this produced trauma which I had to confront and admit to the damage and find it in the heart to forgive, not for them but for myself. Though it was tough ,it was liberating.

Forgiveness has to be one of the things I struggled with, perhaps its because of the lack of knowledge. My forgiveness entailed completely erasing the person who did wrong towards me and defining the person based on what they have said and done. This time around though I really had to ask God: "What is forgiveness" because clearly I do not know what it is. I love the scripture in Jeremiah 31:34. This is God saying I will forgive your offence, your sin and will simply never hold it against you anymore. I will see you right, with a pure and holy heart.

Jeremiah 31:34 “For I will forgive their wickedness and will remember their sins no more.”

I also remember the story of the adulterous woman in John 8 'So when they continued asking Him, He lifted Himself up and said unto them, “He that is without sin among you, let him first cast a stone at her.” Remember that all of us fall shot and really need grace and mercy from God and others. Also, there's a need to be rational about situations, and understand that most of the times people have no intention to hurt us. Their own traumas, fears and shortcomings are contributing factors towards them being mean and abusive. This, however does not erase the pain or the trauma, but it releases us from the burden of bitterness, anger, resentment and the need for retribution. Not only that but potential depression, anxiety and actual physical sickness. So upon learning this, I had to repent from resentment and bitterness I had towards my mum's aunt and them forgive. Forgiveness is the doorway to healing, which I believe God is calling us to in this time.

We have carried burdens and continue to carry them and they drag us backwards every time we attempt to move forward. I pray that whoever you are, after reading this, you will gather the strength to reflect and find courage to face your traumas and FORGIVE. You cannot skip forgiveness if you want to heal. Pour your heart out to God, go to the person who offended you if you can and say it "I FORGIVE YOU". See God Heal you!

Please watch the movie "THE SHACK" and stay blessed..